Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
