she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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