Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
