I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
