Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Damn victory sex feels great
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
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