I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
