I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
