Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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