i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Someone shattered a urinal.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
