No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize