I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
