i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
