I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Randomize
