At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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