I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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