My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
