I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
