i just sent this text using only my big toe
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Randomize
