i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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