don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
