I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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