So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
