I faked an abortion last night.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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