If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize