I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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