i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
