Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
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