I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize