I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
