I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
