im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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