so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Randomize
