I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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