if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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