Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
There's always time for handjobs
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
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