Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
dude i'm inner monologue high
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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