Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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