Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
