this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Randomize
