I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
