We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize