I just cut my nipple shaving
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
