this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
