Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
