Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Sorry about my life...
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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