Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
