I need to stop coming to work sober
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
