my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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