having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
