we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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