Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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