I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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