Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
