my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
My legs feel like baby dolphins
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