Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I can't turn off my feet"
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize