Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
