Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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