If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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