i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
