she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
