drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
