you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize