apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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