theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
